Wow, two in one day...too much on my mind I guess. I was reading Job last night and in chapter 19 of the record of this conversations, he is lamenting the feeling that everyone has not only abandoned him, but now is also giving him terrible advice. He also feels like God has made him a target and is out for him. After these laments, he makes these statements:

JOB 19:23 "Oh, that my words were recorded,
that they were written on a scroll,
JOB 19:24 that they were inscribed with an iron tool on lead,
or engraved in rock forever!
JOB 19:25 I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.
JOB 19:26 And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
JOB 19:27 I myself will see him
with my own eyes--I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!

OK, I just have to say WOW. I cannot believe that in the midst of feeling abandoned by his friends, family, servants, kids from the town; every one in his circle; and God, he makes a faith filled statement like this. What an example of hope in the midst of travail!!!!!!!!

This is what I have to focus on today - God, MY redeemer, lives today. Despite everything that is going on, the trouble around me, the trouble within me; my redeemer lives.

I met with a friend last week who has been "in the saddle" for many months now. He, like me, is trying to balance family, parents, work, relationship with God, etc. He told me that he was in a "have to" phase of life. He was not serving and doing things out of passionate desire, but out of duty, knowing that it was the right thing to do. I completely understood - I find that this is where I am right now with all the things in life that are necessary for me to do right now. I cannot check out and need to stay engaged, but it seems like I am doing it out of duty and not out of joy.

I think that we all have those seasons in our lives - seasons where we are mentally and spiritually tired. Yet in these seasons, it is imperative that we continue to pursue God and serve others - even if it is out of duty. It is not that we don't love God or love people, it is just that we are serving out of our reserve and not out of our excess. It feels like the spring that was feeding our well and that used to overflow to God and others has stopped. Instead of ending our pursuit of God and others, it is in these times that we must start using the water that was in our well; our reserve if you will (I hope that you are catching the analogy....takes to long in a blog to develop it fully).

I know this season will pass. I know I will have an encounter with God like Elijah did on the mountain of God and He will give me a fresh vision and the energy to execute it. (Read 1 Kings 17 - 19 for the record of this event in Elijah's life; it is a great read.) I just have to wait and continue to serve Him and others believing this is truth. In other words, I have to have persevering faith right now, even though I don't have the feeling.

The last two weeks have been so crazy that I have not had the time to sit down and put some thoughts down. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I had 19 meetings last week. Now I love meeting with people, but come on....

I have found a huge conflict in my roles over the past two weeks - father, husband, provider for the family, employee, employer, son, brother, consultant, child of the King...... It seems like these roles are in constant conflict because of the time of year. This happens every year at this time, but this year seems especially poignant because of the health issues with my mom.

It is hard to find margin during these times - margin to fill my soul, margin to spend time, real time, in the important relationships in my life, margin to develop as a person. I know this is only for a season, but when you are in the midst of it, it doesn't feel like there is an end point. This year is especially poignant because I really did not have margin while we were in Florida (and at the hospital every day) to regenerate.

I know in the midst of this that God wants to teach me something. I think what that "something" is revolves around finding rest in Him, moment be moment, day by day. I am reminded of the words of Isaiah (40:29-31): He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I believe that this is what God wants of me - to wait on Him and Him alone; not on my strength, not in my power, but in His. There are many other things that I could write about this, but that is for another day. Right now, I am trying to figure out what waiting on Him looks like. I know that the result is that I will not be weary, so I know that I have more learning to do!!!

It has been a while since I have written. Coming back from being away from the office for 3 weeks yielded a whole bunch of work and catching up that I needed to do. I feel like I just came up for air.

I have been working through Job lately because of what has happened to my mom. There are several stages that Job went through as he went from rich and religious (and, by the way, highly acclaimed by God Himself; see chapter 1), to having nothing but his house (tent) and sores all over his body. I could relate somewhat to Job and his catastrophic loss.

I am still working through the record of Job, but I really don't like how it ends. Sure, his wealth is restored and he had 10 more kids (imagine how long that took; restoration of his life was not a quick process!!!!), but God never answered his question. Read chapters 38-40 where God is talking to Job. He never answers the "why" question that Job has asked for several chapters.

I have thought about why God didn't answer it. I am sure there are several answers as to why, but one might be "because you wouldn't understand it". I think the essence of what God was driving at with Job in chapters 38-41 was - "I am God and you are not. I understand these things, you don't and you can't."

I used to think that when I got to heaven, I would ask God why and He would give me an answer. I am not so sure of that anymore. He may give me an answer, but I may never be able to understand. I will never have the mind of God and therefore will never be able to comprehend what He can (although I have eternity to learn!!!). His mind is infinite; my mind is not. As Isaiah wrote:

ISA 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I am OK with that - still another reason why I am not God and never will be.

One more thing...... I was thinking about trusting God today. Mom had a rough day to today. She had a 103 degree fever that the doctors cannot figure out the source of and her lungs still have fluid in them (quasi-pneumonia). I had to remind myself again, that she is in God's hands and that He is in control.

I had a learning.... I trust God more with my mom's eternal destiny that I do with her humanity. I trust Him explicitly to take her to heaven if she were to die; I have a hard time trusting Him with her life while she is in the hospital.

Kind of inconsistent isn't it....... Something to work on.

1CO 12:26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

This was a statement made by Paul to the Corinthian church. I am beginning to understand the depth of what Paul is was trying to convey..... I have been at the hospital with my mom for the past two weeks and watching her "eat" through a feeding tube in her nose. She gets chocolate or vanilla protein shake; which she obviously can't taste. I find myself feeling something odd when I sit down and have a bowl of soup, yogurt or a hamburger. I began to understand where those feelings come from - I am hurting because she is hurting; she is my mom and I am very deeply emotionally vested in her.

I think this is what Paul wants us to experience within the body of Christ. We should be so emotionally vested in our brothers and sisters in the Lord that when one of them hurts, we hurt; when one of them is honored, we rejoice! I have to confess that often I do not weep and hurt for those who are hurting in my church family like I do for my biological family. I don't spend a ton of emotional energy really seeking the Lord for them. I am not really deeply emotionally vested in them.

I am beginning to understand that I have to emotionally invest BEFORE I will hurt with them. I am challenged to seek the Lord for those in my fellowship like Moses did for the Israelites (40 days and nights; read Deut. 9). This is where God wants me to live; only then can I really experience community; the oneness that God desires me to have with my brothers and sisters in the Lord. Start with me; start really emotionally investing in those around you; weep before the Lord for them.

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about love as I have been sitting in my mom's hospital room. My mom is not very lucid and she is very weak. She has tubes in her and is on a ventilator. She cannot communicate because of the tubes in her mouth and because she is weak. She blinks her eyes and raises her forehead when she hears us. From an external perspective, my mom is not really beautiful. She is never going to make it on the cover of a fashion magazine in her current state.

But I love her; my heart is after her; my thoughts are about her future. I really don't care if my mom will ever walk again. I really don't care if my mom will ever be able wave at me again. I really don't care if she can ever talk to me again. I still love her and I know that she still loves me. Those physical things do not define my love for her - I love her for who she is and what she is. I love her because she is my mom and I will do anything in my power to care for her. Period. There is nothing more to say than that.

These thoughts have brought me to God the Father. I understand a little more how He loves me. I will never make the cover of a fashion magazine. I will never be the "best" at something. I will never be perfect. But that does not matter to God. He loves me for who I am. He is my dad and I am his child and He cares for and loves me. Period. There is nothing more to say than that.